Keyrock, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

20 Jan 18 1800

In the nineties, Saturday Night Live ran a series of skits centered around an unfrozen caveman lawyer, played by Phil Hartman. This was a typical episode:

Announcer:

One hundred thousand years ago, a caveman was out hunting on the frozen wastes when he slipped and fell into a crevasse. In 1988, he was discovered by some scientists and thawed out.

He then went to law school and became … Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

Jingle:

He used to be a caveman,
but now he's a lawyer.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!

(open on interior courtroom, the judge banging her gavel)

Judge:

Mr. Keyrock, are you ready to give your summation?

Keyrock:

(stepping forward)

It's just "Keyrock", your Honor ... and, yes, I'm ready.

(approaches the jury box)

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW, and run off into the hills, or wherever. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder: did little demons get inside and type it? I don't know! My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts.

But there is one thing I do know—when a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than two million in compensatory damages, and two million in punitive damages. Thank you.

Judge:

The jury will now retire to deliberate.

Jury Foreman:

(standing)

Your Honor, we don't need to retire. Keyrock's words are just as true now as they were in his time. We give the full amount.

(jury applauds Keyrock)

Judge:

Did you hear that, Mr. Keyrock?

Keyrock:

(cell phone to his ear)

Hang on a second ...

(to the judge)

I-I'm sorry, your Honor. I was listening to the magic voices coming out of this strange modern invention ....

 

Query Thread Page

On this page you can:
 
  • subscribe to this query
    By subscribing, you will receive email (as frequently as you specify) of new activity in this query.
  • vote up or vote down queries and replies
    Voting is a generalized proxy for your assessment of the worth, quality, articulation, etc of a query or reply. Voting up a reply or query increases the reply/query author's mojo by one. After you vote, you have five minutes to undo it.
  • reply to the query or add a comment to the query or any reply
    A reply is a serious substantive response, worthy of addition to the knowledge being recorded for all of us here. Comments, simply, are for responses that are not replies (questions, clarifications, caveats, etc). You must scroll all the way down to add a reply; might as well read all of the replies on the way down. If you would like to include with your reply new legal text for others to edit, feel free to add a clause. Adding a reply gives you one mojo.
  • edit a clause (quick-reply)
    If you want to quickly add a reply that is an edit of another member's legal text, click the edit clause link on the clause you wish to edit, and you will be taken to the bottom of the page, with the text of the clause ready for your edits.
  • select best reply (if you are the author of the query)
    If you authored this query, be sure to select the reply that you believe is the best (and consider explaining why you selected this reply as best in a comment to that reply). You receive one mojo for doing so. The author of the reply you select as best will receive four mojo or the bounty award you posted for this query. You can change your mind as many times as you want. If you de-select a best reply, the reply author loses two mojo or the bounty mojo awarded, and you lose one mojo.
  • edit/update or delete query (if you are the query author)
    If you authored this query, you may edit it at any time, and delete it before a reply has been posted to it. Clauses may be edited only if no other member has redlined that clause. You may also add a bounty award or increase already-posted bounty, at any time (even after a reply has been posted).
  • flag (ie complain about) a query, reply or comment
    Use as sparingly as appropriate given the circumstances.
  • quiver and favorite
    You may add/remove this query to/from your favorites, and add/remove clauses in this query to/from your quiver. If you are a guild moderator, you can similarly add/remove this query to/from guild favorites, and add/remove clauses here to/from your guild quiver.

A friendly reminder: be excellent to each other and remember the human.

FAQs | How do I ...?
What are subscriptions?
Redline allows you to subscribe to queries (so that you can be alerted to new replies and comments that are posted to those queries), members (so that you can know of new queries posted by that member) and guilds (so that you can track new queries posted with tags of guilds you follow). With subscriptions, you are notified via email, and on the Home (Your Notifications) page, of new activity corresponding to your subscriptions. Via the Settings/Subscriptions page, you can manage your subscriptions, including altering the timing of notification emails.